[Meredith] The dictionary defines grief as:
''Keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss;
sharp sorrow;
painful regret. ''
As surgeons, as scientists,
we're taught to learn from and rely on books,
on definitions, on definitives.
But in life,
strict definitions rarely apply.
In life, grief can look like a lot of things
that bear little resemblance to ''sharp sorrow''.
''You're not missing much. New York smells like pee.''
[Lexie laughs]
God, l hate them. [grunts]
More pain? Your CT results should be back soon.
l'm fine.
You should go home tonight.
You can call off the 24-hour suicide watch, you know. Honestly.
l'm better now. l am.
Do you know what l think?
l think you're using me to avoid moving in with your boyfriend.
- [scoffs] Am not. - l'll make you a deal.
You move in with your boyfriend, and l'll let you call my mum.
- Oh, mean. [chuckles] - Chicken.
OK, Clara, the CT shows you have an infection in your small bowel,
your colon's inflamed. lt's likely something you picked up in the water,
but it seems to have formed an abscess,
which means you need surgery right away.
No.
- Uh, if we don't... - No. No more surgery.
- l'm not being cut open again. - OK, uh...
- No. - You just take a minute.
Take a few minutes and l'll come back and we'll discuss it.
Um... Start her on pre-op antibiotics and book an OR.
What are the options? Can you give me drugs, can you...?
No. You need surgery. But it's a simple procedure,
- and if it goes as planned... - My boat ride didn't go as planned.
So... tell me.
Worst case.
Well, uh, worst case is...
...we'd have to take out part of your colon and give you a colostomy bag.
Colostomy bag?
A poo bag, outside your body? My granddad had one of those, it was...
- No, it's a small, small possibility. - No. No poo bag.
- No surgery. - The infection will kill you, Clara.
No! No more surgery.
No.
We tried pain meds, treated him for pyelonephritis,
but it could be something more serious, so we did a CMG.
You did a CMG for a UTl? Why would you even look for...?
Because we were out of ideas! The CMG was negative
so we went back to a possible neurological cause.
So if we could get a better look, if you could give us permission
to get a 3D MRl, we could maybe, just possibly...
This kid's been in the ER four times in the last three weeks.
The pain meds aren't working. Why can't we...?
- Five thousand dollars, Karev. - Sir?
That's how much you or Dr. Robbins has to put up to cover that scan.
Otherwise, you can come with me to my board meeting this afternoon
and explain why you're running this hospital like it's a charity.
- Dude, are you crying? - l have authority issues.
Walk away, Karev.
Where do you get off killing my patients, Yang?
- Killing? - You take it upon yourself
to talk that girl out of life-saving surgery, you're killing her.
l didn't talk her...
She had questions about the surgery. You left the room.
l left the room to give a very fragile, very distraught patient
time and space to accept what's being asked of her.
Then, and only then would l have discussed the possible risks with,
l'm certain, more tact and sensitivity than you have ever displayed
- in the time l've known you. - She asked...
l don't care what she asked you, and if she asks you anything else,
your only answer will be, ''Let me ask my attending.''
These are good. Do they sell these in the cafeteria?
- No. - No.
- Those are the cancer pops. - Why do cancer people get all the fun?
How do you feel, lz?
Not looking forward to the hurling, but l feel OK, l feel good.
Bailey's on some sort of rampage.
[chuckles] l think it's Post-O'Malley Stress Disorder.
- She's not dealing with grief. - Sounds like Owen's shrink.
Owen's shrink is withholding sex. So she is grumpy
- and inappropriate. - [lzzie] ls Derek doing that, too?
- Withholding sex? - Why would Derek withhold sex?
Alex is withholding everything. lt's like he's afraid,
- but l don't know what he's afraid of. - Afraid of cancer sex.
- [Meredith] Cristina! - He doesn't want a cancer pop.
- Cristina! - Just shut the hell up.
- l'm not contagious, Cristina. - l know that.
l would totally have sex with you.
- Really? Nothing? - No.
- You don't even want a drawer? - No.
- A toothbrush? Change of panties? - No.
- Damn. l like your panties. - l am trying to focus.
l'm becoming a resident today. l need to focus.
l'm across the street from the hospital. Crash here sometimes,
- you'll get a jump on surgeries. - OK, OK. Which one?
My first day at Mercy West. l wanna look nice, you know,
serious, talented, hardcore, not someone you push around.
Nice, but hot. Like me.
- That one. - Really? l thought this one.
Too hot. Better for a date. That one.
OK. Here. Eh, thanks.
[Callie groans]
OK. OK.
- Less hot? - Less hot.
OK. Good.
Thanks. Wish me luck.
Or not luck, 'cause l'm all talented and hardcore.
You're an attending. Go kick some ass.
[giggles]
So, um...
Did you forget to mention that your hot, hardcore ex
sex friend lives right across the hall?
- Did l? - Yeah. Yeah, you did.
And it is only under my tenure as chief
that Seattle Grace has grown into one of the most renowned,
lauded and sought after surgical centers in the country.
Replacing me... no.
Disrupting that process would be an epic mistake.
lt is for that reason that l stand before you today
and say with the utmost confidence
that there is no one who understands and cares more
- about Seattle Grace than... - [horn honks, tires screech]
- Than me. - [hubcap clatters]
[Richard] Look, this is ridiculous. l'm fine.
lt's a sprained ankle. And l have a meeting l have to get to.
- Look, l said l'm fine. - Chief?
- Torres, thank God. - [Callie] You were in a car accident?
Yeah. lt was minor. l ran a red light. l was distracted.
l am fine. Can we make this quick? l have a meeting with the board.
Hmm? OK. Let's see.
Ooh!
Ooh, l don't know, sir. This lac looks pretty deep.
You'll definitely need stitches. And the ankle... Oh, yikes.
- Yeah. You could need surgery. - lt's a sprain, Torres. [groans]
- You two know each other? - Yeah.
Dr. Webber and l go way back. We worked together for...
What was it? Five, six years? Yeah.
l hate to say it, but you have to have that lac repaired.
Being a teaching hospital, not to mention Dr. McKee's first day,
l have to let him work you up, so... You know how to do sutures, right?
- Damn straight. - Great.
Good seeing you, chief.
[stammers]
She's... She's just kidding about this being my first day.
lt's... lt's my eighth.
What kind of sutures are you using?
- Uh... 3-0 nylon. - No, no, no.
Use DERMABOND. Takes less time and heals quicker.
Yeah, l know, but, like, budget cuts, you know?
You like working in this place, Dr., um... McKee?
- You think it's a strong program? - lt rocks.
Like, day eight and l'm doing unsupervised procedures. Not too shabby.
Hmm... Not too shabby.
[footsteps approaching]
He trained at Northwestern and then at Harvard.
He grew up five miles away from here. Not rich, not poor.
Comfortable and well loved by his parents, but, um...
...itching to do something more with his life.
Which is when he enlisted at the age of...
Cristina, this is not a book report.
l am trying to explain to Dr. Wyatt that l know things about you.
- Cristina... - Wait! He knows things about me, too,
if that's what you were gonna say. We talk all the time.
Honey?
- [scoffs] ''Honey?'' - [Dr. Wyatt] Cristina, let me be clear.
lt's not just that l want the two of you to get to know each other.
lt's that l want Owen to feel comfortable with you.
Oh, he is comfortable with me.
lt's fine. You can talk to her. lt's fine.
OK, Cristina, um...
He talks to you. He's comfortable with you.
Does he talk to you about his trauma?
Does Owen talk to you about the war?
Does he talk to you about the incident between you two?
The choking?
Owen's post-traumatic stress is fed
by his avoidance of talking about anything in the war.
ln order to improve, to heal,
he's going to have to start talking about it.
To you, and to me.
And my concern is if you get lost in the lust of it all,
he won't have to make a start.
He won't have any reason to.
He'll feel that he has everything he needs, until he doesn't.
So l'm asking you... to wait.
- Finished. - [gasping] Read it back to me.
''Hi, Mom. Please prepare yourself. This is gonna be difficult to read.
- l've been in an accident.'' - That's not what l said.
- ''l've suffered terrible injuries...'' - You can't send that.
''l'm suffering from an infection which l've refused to treat,
so l'm gonna die soon. Please come quickly, Mom,
and if l'm gone before you get here, l wanted to tell you how much l love you.''
- Stop it. - ''Thank you for making me
- from scratch.'' - You bitch! You're a bitch!
l can hit the call button and have the nurses take you into surgery.
- Or l can hit send. That's the deal. - l will sue you.
- l will sue you and this hospital. - No, you won't. You'll be dead.
Please.
- Please. - [call button dinging]
Hello, the nurses said you called for me?
This is Andy.
Andy Michaelson.
- l'm sorry, have l treated you before? - Dr. Arizona Robbins referred us.
Oh, Andy!
- You're the kid with the... - With the thing no one can diagnose?
- Yeah, that's us. - Dr. Robbins sent you here
- to Mercy West because...? - These are copies of Andy's paperwork
from Seattle Grace.
We don't sleep anymore.
We basically just go to the hospital. And l don't know what else to do.
- l feel like a terrible mother. - Mom.
l feel like a terrible mother because l'm supposed to...
l'm supposed to do something. And l can't, you know?
l didn't go to medical school. l majored in freaking history.
You're the doctors, you know? You're the doctors.
And, basically, all we've been doing up to this point, any of us,
is getting my kid strung out on pain meds.
- Mom, stop. - l can't, Andy!
l can't stop.
We don't sleep.
He can't sleep.
We can't sleep.
And l'm scared.
And Dr. Robbins said that what she needs you to give us is a 3D MRl of his spine.
She said you wouldn't want to 'cause there's no indication or whatever,
but she says that's what he needs.
Please.
l can't be this useless. And you know what? Neither can you.
Please.
That's a lot of necrotic small bowel.
- Can you save any of it? - [Bailey] Yesterday, l could have.
Yesterday, this would've been a simple drainage.
But that was before Dr. Yang threatened my patient
with a colostomy that, thankfully, will not be necessary
because it did not actually involve the colon.
- How can l help? - Oh, you've done enough.
She asked me a question. l was right to answer it. l did my job!
A patient asked me to disclose the risks of a surgical procedure,
and l am required by law and my oath to do so.
lf you know a way to sugar-coat a colostomy bag, l'd like to hear it.
lf you know a more respectful way to speak to an attending surgeon,
l'd like to hear that! Until you do, you don't talk to me.
You're off my service.
OK, seriously? What is your problem?
More suits? lt's freaking people out.
Talk of downsizing, corporate takeover, rumors that Webber's jumping ship.
You've got the chief's ear. What's he got planned?
- [man] Here's the test. - [woman] Thank you.
He's retiring. They're making me chief.
- No! - Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Really? Wow. - Yep. Mm-hmm.
l mean, the chief never said anything to me.
l would've fought you hard for that.
But hell, l guess if that's what he wants,
congratulations are in order.
Wait. That was...
- You're messing with me? - lt's just too easy.
You got a mean streak, you know that?
- Yeah. - Mean!
- Seriously, what's going on? - l have no idea.
[sighs heavily]
[keys jangling]
Oh... l have wine. White and red.
And l have cigarettes. Which is awful, l know.
l only smoke them very occasionally when l know l'm gonna be in trouble.
- Like now. - lt was inappropriate.
Not to mention manipulative and stupid.
- You smoke? - l know. Listen, l know.
You have every right to be mad, l ran out of options.
lt's expensive! There was no indication!
There's a reason Webber turned you down!
- So you didn't do it. - Of course l did it, Arizona.
- Thank you. - No. Don't thank me yet.
- The scan didn't show anything. - What? Come on. Nothing?
No.
That looks a little funny to me.
l thought so too, but the radiologist said it's normal.
OK, all right. Here.
Was there anything peculiar about his H&P?
[laughter]
- [Derek] Oh! - [glass breaking]
Sorry! Sorry!
- Sorry! Sorry, we're sorry. - Sorry!
We'll be sure to clean the countertop.
[laughs]
You didn't used to do this before. And now it's kind of all the time.
- Everywhere. And... - You know, it's...
We're married now.
Things have changed a little. But sorry about the countertop.
So you guys are... That's it? The Post-it? That's for real?
Yeah. That's for real.
- [laughter] - [gagging]
- What are you reading? - This patient l'm trying to diagnose.
- lt's driving me nuts. - So take a break. l miss you.
- Well... l'm right here. - [lzzie] No, you're not.
You're here, but you're not here, and l miss you.
lz, come on, l'm trying to work.
l'm wishing for a brain tumor.
l'm wishing, all the time, for a giant tumor that would press on my brain
and make me hallucinate George.
So that l could talk to him again.
So l could laugh with him again. l...
l miss him.
So much. l miss him all the time.
And l just want to feel better, even for a minute.
l just want to be a person who isn't wishing for a brain tumor.
Just for one minute.
And l can't drink because of the cancer meds,
l don't do drugs, l can't even work. l don't have any distractions.
l'm sad.
And l miss George. So please...
Please, come inside and help me feel better.
''l miss George.''
Nice. Real seductive.
[knock on door]
Oh. Hey. ls Mark around?
- He's in the shower. - Oh, thanks.
Hey, have you heard anything about what's happening with the chief?
There's all these rumors floating around Mercy West,
like he might be coming to work for us. That'd not go well for me.
l haven't heard. l'll check with Derek.
- Thanks. - Can you hand me the shampoo?
- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.
Are you really gay?
Like, how gay are you on a scale of one to...
...gay? 'Cause that's my boyfriend.
ln the shower. My hot, hot, naked boyfriend.
And l... How gay are you?
l'm sorry. lt's...
l've known Mark a while and...
But l'll... try not to do that again.
The naked in the shower thing.
Or the you half-naked in the hallway thing.
'Cause even if you really are gay, he's not.
And... and you're hot.
He doesn't look at my boobs anymore.
The first thing he used to look at when l walked in anywhere
was my boobs.
He doesn't look anymore. Not since he met you.
- OK? - OK.
- [Richard] Shepherd? - You're a hard man to track down.
- l'm busy, as you know. - Scoping out Mercy West?
You planning on jumping ship? Because l assume, as a friend,
you'd tell me anything l need to know.
- Those are rumors, Derek. - There are a lot of rumors.
- And Jennings isn't answering my calls. - Why are you calling Jennings?
l told you l'd fill you in when there was something to tell.
You feel the need to go behind my back...
Behind your back? Behind your back?
l'm the one who's got your back.
Don't you forget that.
- Dr. Shepherd, have a minute? - Yes. For what?
A kid with a tethered spinal cord. l thought tethered spinal cord.
You're not gonna see it on there. l need another test to confirm.
A tethered cord's rare. He have spina bifida?
- No. - Lower back lesions? Hyperreflexia?
No and no. But the pain is aggravated when he extends or flexes his spine.
l know what you're gonna say. A tethered cord shows up on the MRl.
But what if it didn't? What if what this kid needs is not an MRl,
- but a more specific CT myelogram. - Maybe.
- Order one. - l can't.
Because if l did, l'd get fired and l really like my job.
- Did the chief deny that request? - Several times.
You should've led with the part about the chief.
Come on.
- [Lexie] You're doing great. - You're up, girl.
Who'd think standing could be so hard? You're doing awesome.
- Awesome. - Put me down.
- Let's go a couple more seconds... - Put me down.
- That was great. - Take a sec and go again for me, OK?
- No. - l know, Clara.
This is where the hard part begins.
[Arizona] McDreamy.
- l'm sorry? - l get it now.
The whole McDreamy thing. l didn't get it before,
but now... l get it.
You know they call you that, right?
Yes.
l'm involved, by the way, in case you thought l was coming onto you,
because l was not. Plus, l heard that you got married.
- So congratulations. - Yes, thank you.
You wrote some hokey crap on a Post-it note in the resident's lounge.
Sorry, but until you're sweating it out in a morning coat
with a ball of white taffeta coming at you, you're not really married.
OK. Well, l've consummated mine. l consummate mine all the time.
How's that going for you, Karev? Girls talk.
You might wanna consider that next time you judge my Post-it.
[Meredith sighs]
l haven't cried yet.
l'm using work and sex as a distraction.
And l think it's working for me.
Have you seen the girl, Amanda,
sitting outside the hospital on that bench all day long?
l miss sex. l miss it so much.
What?
Mer!
l'm worried about Clara. She's depressed.
Like, a whole new level of depressed.
- l don't know what to do. - You talking about Ceviche?
That...
Oh, my God! That's... That is so rude!
Ceviche? That is so... That's rude.
That... That is so rude!
- Anyone else l can offend? - A tethered spinal cord?
One of the threads in his cord is attached to his tailbone.
Normally, the spinal cord is free at the end,
but with it attached, when you grew, it started pulling.
- Thus, the excruciating pain. - So can we fix it? ls it fixable?
- Microsurgery. - l'll snip the tethered cord,
and he'll be free of pain.
She's not normally like this. Before all this, she was like a normal mom.
- Oh! - Andy, this is a normal mom.
- Are we waiting for Dr. Swender? - No. Dr. Swender has
handed you off to me.
[scoffs] What are you, like, second year?
- Third. - That's, um...
- Can we page Dr. Swender or something? - Stevens, this is a good thing.
lt is. You still have cancer.
But not enough to interest Dr. Swender anymore.
- lt is a good thing. - You're saying l have JV cancer.
[man] l'm saying your mets have shrunk way down, and there are no new ones.
Your protocol is working very effectively.
Stevens, this is about as good as the news gets.
- Um... So, what now? - We're gonna use the port in your chest
to continue with your lL-2 regimen for now.
And we'll continue monitoring the progression of your disease
with PET scans every three to six months.
ls there some kind of timeline on this, or...?
[man] Your wife is living with cancer, Dr. Karev.
Right now, the cancer has stopped growing.
With a cancer this aggressive, that's pretty stunning success.
There's no timeline. There's just... We watch it.
We wait. We hope it doesn't start to grow again.
- That's it? - That's it.
[Alex] l see contractions in the anterior tibialis.
[Derek] OK. That's the nerve root, not the filum.
Bipolars and the micro scissors, please.
- Wanna make the cut? - No. l don't need to.
Without you, this kid would've been a chronic pain patient,
possibly addicted to pain meds. He owes his entire future to you.
You should make the cut.
OK?
OK.
Put the scissor in...
There. Nicely done.
Clara, Dr. Grey says you're still refusing your physical therapy.
Now, l understand it's hard.
But you have to work these muscles now
or they will atrophy and heal incorrectly.
Clara, you gotta do the work. You got to do the work now.
Clara, l know what it is to not want to live, to wish you'd died,
to lose everything, to not want to call your mother.
Believe it or not, l know exactly what that is.
l have been there.
l am back now.
As impossible as it felt, eventually,
l came back.
And so can you. You have got to do the work.
- You have to get her admitted to Psych. - Committed?
- You want me to have her committed? - Nothing more we can do.
- You have to make that call. - People are calling you ''Ceviche''.
- [Owen] Dr. Grey. - That's... You know,
you can't go out like that, Clara, with people calling you Ceviche.
- Ceviche? - Yeah. lt's a meal.
lt's Peruvian, l think.
lt's chopped up fish.
[laughing] That's really horrible, isn't it?
lt is. lt's...
lt's horrible.
lt's horrible!
[lzzie] l didn't expect this.
They say cancer, they say stage four, you expect to die.
And then you start thinking, ''Maybe l can kick it. l'll be the miracle.''
Well, you are the miracle.
l'm still living with cancer.
You know, l just... You don't expect that.
lsn't that the girl that George saved?
Oh, Amanda.
- Yeah. - What is she doing here?
Oh, she sits there.
Every day, all day.
- For God's sakes. - Where... What...?
Get up. l mean it, get up.
Get up!
[sighs heavily] Now, go get a life.
l can't.
George was a surgeon, he had a purpose.
He wanted to save lives and now he doesn't get the chance.
Now, he doesn't get the chance to do anything anymore, but you do.
You could go to medical school, you know?
You could hang out with your freaking friends. l don't care what.
Just go do something with your life.
Because you have one, you lived!
You lived and George didn't!
And l know...
l know that that feels horrible
and shocking and terrifying.
But you lived.
So go live your freaking life.
l... l don't know how.
Nobody does.
Nobody knows how.
But, God, have enough respect for George to figure it out.
'Cause if l see you sitting on this bench ever again,
l will kick your ass from here to Sunday.
l can't get back on Bailey's service. She's still not even looking at me.
Give her time. She was close with O'Malley...
lt's not about O'Malley. She's mad at me about Ceviche.
- [laughs] You got to stop that. - Ceviche?
- lt's a patient. - A boating accident victim.
She thinks it's OK to call her a seafood dish. ls that OK?
- Well, it's... pretty dark. - Come on. l'm dark?
l'm not the one going around choking people in their sleep.
Too soon?
l'm not the guy going around choking people in their sleep.
- l know. - lt was a dream. l...
l can't remember what l was dreaming about, but...
l was trying to save my own life.
l wasn't trying to hurt you.
l was...
l was fighting for my life.
OK.
[Dr. Wyatt] You made a start.
You made a start.
- [Lexie] You have it, you have it. - [man] You've got this.
[all laughing]
- Yeah, girl! - l did it.
- You did it. - l did it.
Lexie?
Will you call my mum?
Yeah. Yeah.
OK, come on. Come on.
You got it!
[Lexie] Grief may be a thing we all have in common...
...but it looks different on everyone.
[knock on door]
Hey.
[Mark] It isn't just death we have to grieve.
It's life.
It's loss.
It's change.
[Alex] And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes,
has to hurt so bad, the thing we gotta try to remember
is that it can turn on a dime.
[door opening]
- What is this? - Take off your pants.
lz, lz...
Be my husband.
Get undressed, get into bed and hold me.
l don't know what you're so mad about and scared of
because you won't talk to me, but l'm scared, too.
l can't... lf you won't...
lf we're gonna have any chance at a life together, l need you.
Please.
You died in my arms.
You died in my arms! You freaking died,
and you left instructions that l wasn't allowed to save your life!
You want to know what l'm scared of? l'm scared of everything!
l'm scared to move! l'm scared to breathe!
l'm scared to touch you!
l can't lose you. l won't survive.
And that's your fault.
You made me love you, made me let you in,
and then you freakin' die in my arms!
[Izzie] That's how you stay alive.
When it hurts so much you can't breathe,
that's how you survive.
[bell rings]
Miranda.
[Derek] By remembering that one day,
somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way.
It won't hurt this much.
l... l am an attending
and l am a single mother
and l lost O'Malley and, um...
l just can't.
l can't care anymore.
Stevens is not my child.
O'Malley was not my child.
l have to stop treating...
l just have to stop caring so much.
l can't keep...
...feeling like this, not at work.
l have to save the feeling for my son, who needs it!
l just can't keep giving it away here.
l can't.
l won't.
[Bailey] Grief comes in its own time for everyone.
In its own way.
[Owen] So the best we can do,
the best anyone can do...
...is try for honesty.
l don't want to hurt you again.
My problems, they're real.
And this... this makes us real. lt makes my problems your problems.
l'm afraid.
l don't want to hurt you again.
You can sleep in the bathtub.
Wha... [laughs]
[Meredith] The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief,
is that you can't control it.
- What are you doing? - We need the space.
[Arizona] The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.
Hey. Ugh... Thank you.
l got stuck with this intern today,
took him four tries to throw in a central line.
Reminded me a little bit of George, actually,
when he was an intern.
[Callie] And let it go when we can.
[gasping, sobbing]
Meredith.
[Meredith] The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it,
it starts all over again.
[Cristina] And always, every time...
George O'Malley died.
...it takes your breath away.
[Meredith] There are five stages of grief.
They look different on all of us.
But there are always five.
l know you all have heard a lot of rumors, and l'm sorry for that.
[Alex] Denial.
And what l'm about to say will be hard to hear, and l'm sorry for that as well.
[Derek] Anger.
The economic climate is... You all know what it is.
ln the coming weeks, Seattle Grace Hospital
- will be merging with Mercy West. - [all murmuring]
[Bailey] Bargaining.
[Richard] l wish l could tell you you'll all survive the merger,
but there are only so many jobs. And the board and l
have some tough choices to make.
- [Lexie] Depression. - l'm on your side, people.
l'm rooting for every one of you.
All l can say is please, be at your very best.
[Richard] Acceptance.